she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
