On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
