So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
The Olympian is in my bed
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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