Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
