I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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