Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
