My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
