my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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