xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
