And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize