I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
