Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
