i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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