She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
