I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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