why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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