Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
