the condom got lost in my hair
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
