She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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