so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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