yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
