Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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