I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
