I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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