there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
