from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
