How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
