If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
