Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
