yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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