I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
