I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
