Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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