Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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