Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
