my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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