I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
