i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
