so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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