It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
