im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The uberlube is also flammable
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
