Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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