broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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