Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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