My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
