i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
