last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
