You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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