two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
