YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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