the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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