Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm having to shit out rocks
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
