I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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