I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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