Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize