I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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