Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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