So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
