I must be too annoying 4 u.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
