I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
